Quick Take
- Selection hurts because it feels personal, even when it isn't
- Blaming the coach might feel protective, but it usually costs confidence and ownership
- The goal is to help your child stay focused on what they can control
- You don't need the "right answer" - you need a calm, steady response
- How you talk about selection shapes how your child learns to handle setbacks
The Situation - What's Really Going On
Selection and non-selection are some of the hardest moments in youth sport - for kids and parents.
Your child might come home quiet, angry, embarrassed, or confused. You might feel a mix of frustration, protectiveness, and disbelief. Often the instinct is to explain the pain by pointing outward: the coach got it wrong, politics are at play, favourites were picked.
I get why that instinct shows up. As a former professional athlete and now a parent, I'm learning just how strong that urge is. When something hurts our kids, we want to make sense of it fast - and blaming a decision-maker can feel like relief.
The problem is, what helps us feel better in the moment can quietly undermine our child's confidence and development over time.
This moment matters because how selection is talked about teaches young athletes:
- Where control lives
- How setbacks are explained
- Whether effort still feels worthwhile
At younger ages (12-15), selection can feel like a verdict on identity: "Am I good enough?"
At older ages (16-22), it can trigger fear about pathways, opportunities, and the future.
Understand the Why
Here are a few frameworks that help explain why blaming the coach often backfires, even when decisions genuinely feel unfair.
Control vs Uncontrollable Focus
When athletes are encouraged to focus on things they can't control (selectors, politics, opinions), motivation drops. When focus stays on controllables (effort, preparation, response), confidence and persistence are more likely to hold.
Threat vs Challenge Response
Selection stress often triggers a threat response: defensiveness, anger, withdrawal. How parents frame the conversation can either lock that threat in or help shift the athlete back into a challenge mindset: "This is hard, but I can grow here."
Identity vs Performance Separation
Young athletes often confuse selection outcomes with self-worth. "I wasn't selected" quickly becomes "I'm not good enough." Blame narratives might protect identity short term, but they stop athletes learning how performance actually develops.
Autonomy Support vs Control
When parents explain outcomes for their child ("the coach stuffed up"), it removes agency. Supporting autonomy means helping the athlete make sense of the experience themselves - with guidance, not answers.
Practical Protocols - Know What Helps
Early High School (12-15)
At this age, emotional regulation matters more than analysis.
First conversation:
- Lead with empathy, not explanation
- Let them talk before you interpret
Helpful approach:
Acknowledge the feeling: disappointment, anger, embarrassment
Separate the feeling from the decision
Avoid solving or justifying straight away
What to reinforce consistently:
- Selection changes over time
- Effort and learning still matter
- One decision doesn't define them
Less is more here. Kids don't need a post-mortem. They need safety.
Late High School / University / College (16-22)
At this stage, athletes need ownership without isolation.
Helpful approach:
Ask how they see the decision
Explore feedback if available
Help them identify controllables going forward
When to step in:
- If emotions are overwhelming or spiralling
- If self-worth is collapsing
When to step back:
- When they're problem-solving constructively
- When they want space to process
The aim isn't agreement with the coach - it's growth despite uncertainty.
Nick's Lived Experience
Watching kids navigate selection now, I'm reminded how exposed it can feel.
Early in my rugby career, missing out hurt deeply. When adults around me jumped in with explanations or criticism of selectors, it felt protective - like someone was fighting my corner.
But over time, that protection came at a cost. My focus moved away from growth and toward grievance.
The moments that helped most were quieter. Someone sitting with the disappointment, then asking what I wanted to take control of next.
As a parent now, I see how tempting it is to step in. And how often the more powerful move is to pause, acknowledge the hurt, and let learning emerge without spin.
Exact Guidance
Useful scripts for the moment:
For younger athletes:
"I can see how disappointed you are. That makes sense. We don't have to solve it tonight."
For older athletes:
"How are you making sense of the decision right now?"
"What do you feel is in your control from here?"
If they blame the coach:
"It might feel unfair. What parts of this can you influence moving forward?"
What not to say:
- "The coach doesn't know what they're doing"
- "You were clearly better than them"
- "It's all politics"
- "This always happens to us"
Simple decision guide:
If your child is emotional - listen and validate
If your child is analytical - explore controllables
If your child is stuck - gently widen perspective
Common Traps to Avoid
- Speaking on their behalf before they've spoken
- Turning disappointment into anger
- Making promises about future selection
- Comparing to teammates
- Using blame to reduce discomfort
These traps often come from care, not ego - but they still shape mindset.
Long-Term Impact - Why This Approach Works
Handled well, selection conversations teach:
- Emotional regulation under pressure
- Accountability without self-criticism
- Persistence through uncertainty
- Trust in long-term development
Sport is full of imperfect decisions. Learning to respond without bitterness is a performance skill - and a life skill.
In Closing
Selection conversations are uncomfortable because they matter. You don't need the perfect words. You just need to stay calm, curious, and connected.
As parents, we're learning this alongside our kids. I'm certainly learning it in real time.
In Your Corner exists to explore these moments together - combining lived sport experience, research, and real sideline conversations - so none of us feel like we're guessing alone.
You're not failing your child by not knowing what to say. You're supporting them by being present while you figure it out together.
